A tribute to my best friend.

My father, Jeffrey Johnson, was more than just a father to me, he was my best friend. He was a well spoken, loving, and hard working man who just wanted to make everyone he came in contact with smile. I don’t know everyone’s experiences with my father but I do know every time someone’s mentioned him to me it’s only incredible feedback. People to this day will bring my father up and say, “Your father knew how to make me smile with every interaction we’ve had”. If it wasn’t his personality, it was his skills with the beloved paint brush. He was the hardest worker I’ve ever met, hands down. As much as I loved my father, him and I would occasionally get into a little tiff, which happens to every parent and child at some time(it’s just life). I won’t sit here and say my father and I didn’t have our disagreements because that just wouldn’t be true. However, the older I got the more I realized he was just trying to teach all 3 of us kids the lessons of life early on. He wanted to not only be a great father, but a great mentor, and teacher of life as well. That was just the type of man he was. The deeper we got into his diagnosis the more frustrating life as a whole for him was. With that being said, no one can say he wasn’t a warrior fighting for his family.

Recently within the past couple of years I’ve picked up some occasional journaling and have written something in my notes called The Loss of a Father. I just wanted to share a snippet.

The Loss of a Father

The loss of a father. Where do I even start? The loss of any parent is probably the most traumatic thing a person can go through at any age. Our parents are invincible in our eyes. When you are a child you feel that they will be around forever, so everything will be okay. Why prepare for something that isn’t going to happen, right? “My parents will be around forever”, says the subconscious of every single person in their ages of adolescence. Life is a funny thing. No matter what, the clock is ticking, and mother nature doesn’t take a minute off. Taking a moment to cherish our loved ones and embrace gratitude is a precious gift that enriches our lives. I fondly recall cherished memories from my childhood: spending quality time with my father at a young age and truly enjoying his presence. Our parents are the unsung heroes of our lives, shaping our values and nurturing us with unconditional love. Even though being a grown-up sometimes can be pretty tough, the bond with those who raised us remains within our hearts. They embody strength and kindness in our eyes, forever cherishing them as our heroes.

I’ve felt so much anger for the world taking my father from me. One moment he’s there breathing, I’m holding his hand telling him I love him and next, gone. Nothing. One last breath on this planet and his life was over. I was left with an initial relief that he was out of pain and I felt the weight off my shoulders. The feeling of angst all those years. Man, the feeling of angst. Year after year feeling like he may not wake up one morning. The feeling of straight up denial that he wasn’t going to leave me. I knew what was coming. I felt so much anger for so long. I couldn’t just have a normal healthy dad like everyone else who is lucky enough to have that. Why me? Why me? At such a young age of feeling this pain sent me into years of confusion. I’m writing this now on August 12, 2023, less than a month away from being 3 years without him. Since then life hasn’t gotten easier, that’s for sure. It’s taken me years to learn that I need to get this out and talk about it. I always thought in a way I was getting this pain out, but really it was just pent up. Does it really get easier? No, I really don’t think so. Yes, they say time does heal all wounds, but does it really? I will say, it has gotten easier to push it out of my brain and not think about it every single day. What does that do though? It goes somewhere. It doesn’t go out of my brain that’s for sure. Life is so precious, man. Life is so precious. Until you start treating your life as precious, are you really living? That could mean many things. I’m not saying to live out of fear, I’m saying to live in the moment. Wake up everyday and attack that f****** day like it could be your last. Until you start doing that, you are not in my opinion, living to your full potential. Trust me I’m including myself in that conversation. I’ve learned to channel all my feelings towards this situation and flip it to the positive. I sat for years, literally years, basking in my negativity. I’m going on four years now of dealing with this. I’ve finally gotten out of my own way. Sometimes you just need to take a step back and really ask yourself how you want your time on this earth to be spent. I’ve made a commitment to myself that I will not go out without swinging. I really don’t even know why I am writing this, but I do know it’s making me feel a whole lot better. Life is precious, so treat everyday like it really could be your last.

That was my little snippet of The Loss of a Father. I really shared that because I know how many people are struggling out there and they think that nothing is worth it anymore. Don’t give up so easy. Fight, pull, scratch, grab onto some sort of positivity and roll with it. I just want to spread positivity and hope at the end of the day. I went way too long being a negative son of a gun. I promise you, that’s not how I’m going to go out and I hope anyone reading this can say the same.

I love you dad, this one’s for you.